Pandemic & Mental Pandemonium

Well, I was going to title this blog, “What in the Actual F**k?” but I didn’t want to scandalize my readers. 

Honestly though, that’s what it should be titled. I know that’s how most of us are feeling. What started with a sense of awe at escalating world events, and “Whoa, this is really happening” has slowly morphed over the last (quarantined) weeks into alternating waves of lows (disbelief, anxiety, and fear) and relative highs (optimism, sense of well-being, “this could be much worse/we’re going to be fine.”) 

For me personally, the last 6 or 7 weeks have been tough. I recently re-read my post from early March and laughed (a despairing type laugh, I must admit) at it. Recollecting the great times of 2019. The optimism and sense that the pendulum had swung back up. LOL, am I right?

In the last few weeks, in addition to what everyone is facing: lack of physical proximity to friends and family, travel bans, closed gyms, movie theaters, theme parks, and myriad other businesses, a questionable economic future, anxiety, the absolute eeriness of living in a world where everyone is hoarding toilet paper, wearing masks and afraid of human contact, & just general fear of a virus that could very well take more fragile members of your family, I also got laid off from a job I really loved and broke my wrist after falling off a bike.

Both have been big blows to my mental health – the job I had just weeks ago gushed about was gone, a loss from the pandemic that I hadn’t seen coming. I have been laid off before, but this hit me hard;  I loved the job (and having an income, of course), but more so, I loved the people. The wrist break, at another time, may not have affected me so much, but right now – it sucks. No 2 ways about it. I already am unable to go to a gym, but now with this injury, it’s difficult to work out at all. The bike I bought to get outside during the pandemic is a no-go, I can’t do many of the inside exercises that are available (many require 2 arms), and showering and doing every day tasks has become much more difficult. It feels like one less thing I have control of during this time where everything is unknown and out of my hands. But that’s one thing I’ve learned: it has become increasingly clear to me through this how much of my usual, relatively positive mental state came from having the ability to make choices, take action, and control my own fate. Now? Not so much. Enter our friend anxiety.

I’ve been coping in the normal ways: drinking way more wine & whiskey than normal. Stress baking. Eating sweets every night. Filling out way too many pointless IG Story templates. Taking walks. But also, having sanity dance breaks where I just put music on really loud and dance in the middle of my living room. And of course, reading as much as possible (entering new worlds through books has always been my favorite way to escape.)  And still it creeps up sometimes. Still I find myself crying more than I normally ever would. Still I get mad at a turn of events that has so totally turned my life upside down in a matter of weeks. Still I get scared that the world as I knew it may not be back for a long, long time. So much is still unknown, and my controlling little brain is really not a fan of this state of affairs.

I miss my family and friends. I miss hugging my parents and cuddling my best friend’s new baby. I miss Disneyland and seeing live music. I miss planning the next time I can take off on a plane to do the thing my soul loves best. I miss eating in restaurants and laughing with coworkers. I miss falling asleep and knowing the world I’m going to wake up to. 

But…I also have gratitude.

While I think it’s more than fair, and even more importantly, TOTALLY OK, to feel upset and depressed about the things that are going on, to let yourself feel those things, I also know that I am one of the lucky ones. I lost my job, but will never have to worry about my next meal or homelessness. I broke my wrist, but it will heal, and I’ll eventually have the full use of it back. I can’t hug my parents or my friends, but they’re healthy and alive and I have the technology to still be able to talk to them and tell them I love them. I have anxiety and bouts of depression, but I live with my amazing man and our sweet pup who love me, and make me laugh, and remind me that it’s all going to be OK. And thanks to all the people who are still working their butts off & risking their lives, I have access to healthcare, food and all the Amazon deliveries a girl could ask for.

I once wrote a blog about this idea that gratitude is the greatest source of happiness. And I still believe that is absolutely true – most the time. But now, at least for me, gratitude is my source of sanity. It’s the thing I’m clinging on to when I just feel like I can’t take it one more day.  Counting my blessings keeps me from counting my burdens. And sometimes I totally fail at it and I throw myself a pity-party (complete with ice cream and whiskey and sobbing), and that’s ok. Gratitude and grief/anxiety are not mutually exclusive.

We’re all just doing the best we can, after all.

Stay safe and healthy and sane out there, my friends, whatever the means for you and whatever it takes.  I can’t wait to see you on the flip side.

(And in the meantime, I’m currently accepting any and all Zoom happy hour invites.)