On Fitness and Fatness

One of the first things I promised myself when I decided to start this blog is that I wouldn’t spend an inordinate amount of time talking about weight and weight loss. And I am still committed to that. But being authentic and honest here means being open about something that has been a relatively large part of my life…fitness and fatness.

For as long as I can remember, I was chubby. As I got older, sometimes it verged on smaller, more “curvy” than chubby, and other times it just verged on “fat”. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and I’ve been everywhere in between. I was on Jenny Craig in second grade and Weight Watchers at least 3 times between the ages 13 and 25. I’ve tried everything from the HCG diet where I was eating about 500 calories a day, to detoxes and any other plan I thought might help me “get skinny”.

So yeah, weight and weight loss has always been a big part of my journey… it just has. And while many would say I should not have even labeled myself truly “fat” because I’m not morbidly obese, I’ve been big enough for it to affect my life, from bullying in elementary school to consistently feeling too fat to be attractive compared to the smaller girls in high school and college. For too long, I considered being beautiful synonymous with being thin. And if I’m being 100% honest, there will probably always be a part of me that feels that way and has to fight not to. I still have my bad days where I say entirely awful things to myself about myself — that one is a tough habit to break. They’re getting fewer and farther between, though, so there’s a silver lining to that dark cloud, too.

But wah, wah, I digress. With age comes wisdom, and I now know that my weight does not define me. I am so much more than what I am on the scale. I am a smart, slightly bossy chick who loves to make people laugh, and a good friend, and a daddy’s girl, and someone that lives with her heart on her sleeve and would do anything for someone I love. These are the hallmarks of the things that make me me. They are the things I love about myself and the things I want to be remembered for.

But I am still a woman, I am still someone who wants to be desired by her man, wants to feel good in her clothes and in her skin (not to mention live a very long time.) So a year and a half ago I started waking up at 5:30am and going to the gym before work. And ya know what!? I’m still at it (this is shocking if you knew how much I love to sleep.) Has it helped me lose weight? Errr…not so much. I am stronger, I am in better shape, and my resting heart rate is 58 bpm (boom!). I take these as small, sweet victories. But the love of food is strong in this one. I love cooking it, I love eating it, I even love THINKING about it (let’s be honest…what I’m going to eat that day is one of my favorite things to think about when I wake up.) So I’m still not rocking the J-Lo look that I’ve always dreamed of. Which lately is more and more OK with me. I realize now that I’m never going to be perfect, I’m never going to be a size 2 and rocking belly shirts like Britney Spears. But what I’ve also realized is that accepting that doesn’t have to mean I can’t try to be better.

Ok – finally. I’m getting to the point. And that point is this: after years of struggling with what I see in the mirror and trying everything I can to change it, I am finally at peace with my reflection. And that has somehow made it possible for me to be able to try to be healthier in a way that’s not destructive, that’s not based in self-hate, and instead is based in loving my body for everything it is and everything it is not. I want to be healthier because I LOVE my body, for it’s broad shoulders and big breasts and thick Latin butt and strong legs. I love it for my enduring heart and quick brain and everything else it both lacks and has in abundance. And for that reason and that reason alone, I want it to be the best it can be. However, considering I already workout 4 or 5 days a week, the only thing I can do to make it any healthier is to figure out a way to eat in a more balanced way.

So in attempt to do that, I’ve taken on a 6 week challenge where I count lots of ounces of stuff (like protein…soooo much protein) and calculate something called “macros” and generally become really anal about food and, to a lesser degree, working out. I will write here and there about how it’s going (good so far), but I wanted to make clear that the point of this blog is never to be some sort of motivation for people to “get skinny.” I spent entirely too much time judging my fitness and fatness, judging myself for how “manly” my shoulders were and how thick my waist was. Therefore, I’m declaring this right now: This is not a “fit blog.” This is a “love yourself as is” blog, it’s a “make improvements because you just want to be more awesome” blog. This is a safe place blog where there is no shame or guilt for eating half of a large pizza and not working out (those are some of my best days), but also total freedom to feel happy and proud if you ran 10 miles and ate your weight in kale. In this place, it’s all good.

So if you’re reading this — you are awesome, and I’m excited to share this “becoming more awesome” challenge with you. I don’t know how great I’ll do (success will not be based on a scale, it will be based on how I feel) but I ‘ll do my best, and that’s enough for me.

‘Cause I mean… it’s going to be hard to get more awesome than all-a-this already is anyway, ya know?

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