When an Empowered Woman Feels Powerless

To give the story some context: I recently switched careers (proof you’re never too old to follow a dream!) and got a job working in marketing at a startup/small business. The CEO is a an older white guy, and my other boss, the VP of Marketing, is a woman just a few years older than me who happened to get her sh*t together a lot quicker than I did. She is strong and sweet, beautiful, and more importantly, extremely smart and knowledgeable – my personal definition of a lady boss. I like and respect both of these people immensely.

When it came time to discuss a raise I was promised after 90 days of employment, both the CEO and the VP of Marketing sat me down at a table to get my take and talk about options. Now, as a side note, I consider myself a pretty empowered woman. I am educated, reasonably smart, and I can take care of my damn self. I am also not afraid to voice my opinion. However, on this day, in this moment, I did not act like an empowered woman. When it came time to speak, I spoke of the reasons why I needed the extra money. I said “I’m sorry” way too many times. My usually fearless self receded into a shadow of who I am capable of being.

The truth is, when confronted with an older white man with power over me, I, like so many other women, immediately started to devalue myself, devalue what I bring to the table, and apologize for wanting more. And that could have been the end of the story. I could have left the meeting feeling small, gone home and felt sorry for myself, and that would have been that. But the story doesn’t end there.

Towards the end of the meeting, the VP said to me (in front of the CEO), “Ashley, I hope we have to have a lot of these types of discussions in the future as you grow with the company. But next time, please do not apologize for asking for more. Come to us with all things you bring to the table and explain why you deserve to be compensated for them. As women in these situations, we tend to devalue ourselves, say a lot of “sorries”. Don’t do that. Don’t do that in any situation.”

Guys. I almost cried right there. (But don’t worry, I waited until I got home and told my boyfriend the story.) It was such a powerful moment for me. This woman whom I respect so much, who teaches me daily about all the marketing things, took a moment and gave me advice that only another woman could really give, that only another woman could understand. She may never understand how badly I needed to hear that in that moment, how immediately it struck me and made an impact. In a moment that I felt powerless and weak, she gave me my strength back. In a world constantly trying to pit women against one another, she proved the the importance of lifting each other up.

So, ladies, if you take only one thing from my experience, please take this: Empowered women empower women. It is really difficult to always be the “empowered woman”, but having other women supporting you in the struggle sure does make it easier. If you can take a second thing, let it be this (and I realize this is much easier said than done): stop apologizing for asking for more, and especially stop apologizing for wanting it. Stop devaluing yourself. Because you are worthy, you are powerful, and you are equal. They’ll only start seeing us that way when we start demanding it of them. So guess what?