When Your Ducks are NOT in a Row

Well, as you may or may not have noticed… I went AWOL from the blog this summer. When I started this thing, I was in a really good head space: positive, forward looking, excited about the future. And then life put me in my place and said, “ha ha ha NOPE.” Life kinda does that sometimes, doesn’t it? Or at least that’s what I had heard before this summer.

The truth is, I haven’t suffered a lot of hardship in my life. I say that with absolute gratitude and a small bit of shame, as if my lack of suffering is something that I had control over. It wasn’t. But I definitely had moments where I acknowledged my blessings and looked around and thought, “One day it will stop being this easy.” That’s not to say my life has been a walk in the park… I’ve dealt with betrayal and loneliness and rejection and bullying and heartbreak and taken wrong turns like we all have. But I’ve always kind of felt like I had avoided the pain, loss, and big roadblocks that some people experience – and I have always felt really lucky to be where I am. And I still feel that way. But this summer that “one day” began. After 32 years of what felt like a relatively smooth ride, things got pretty bumpy.

This purpose of this blog isn’t to go into detail about what made the summer so bumpy, I’ll simply say: family stuff, and relationship stuff, and health stuff. The usual stuffs. But when they multiply and stack on one another, MAN, life can suck. My positive, forward-thinking attitude wavered big time. Ok, ok – that’s an understatement. It crumbled.

However, like most bad things, I feel like good has come of it and will continue to come of it. That’s all you can hope for when things get bad, I guess – that good will come of it – that you’ll be wiser or stronger or better off. And I will be. I know that.

The hardest part, though, has been separating myself from my vision of what my life would look like. Many of us paint a picture when we’re kids, or teenagers, or whenever – a picture of the general trajectory you see your life going: what you’ll be when you grow up, who and when you’ll get married, the kind of house you’ll have and the trips you’ll take. And for a lot of us, it works out! They get the job they always wanted, they get married around the time they thought they would, they buy a house, they have babies – all those ducks lined up and checked off. And for others, things don’t go to plan. For example, for me – I remember thinking to myself as a teenager: “I’m going to wait a LONG time to get married – at least until I’m 27.” HAHAHAHA. Lordy. My naiveté was sweet, wasn’t it? Now that 33 is quickly approaching, I can’t help but look back and laugh. I COULD have been married at 27…I was engaged at 25. But I ended that relationship because I felt like there was a better match for me out there. And there was. It was the right decision. But needless to say, that’s just one of the things I had “planned” that hasn’t happened as I thought it would.

And to be honest… what even is this whole idea of “having your ducks in a row”? I don’t even have ducks right now… so there are definitely none in a row. The life plans I had may or may not happen (to be fair – some already have), but many aren’t happening on my timeline. And I’m learning to be OK with that. I’m learning to accept that life isn’t a race to see how many life boxes you can check off. And in fact, comparing your checked boxes with other people’s is the quickest way to make yourself miserable… since comparison truly is the thief of joy. Of course, that’s easier said than done. You can tell yourself not to compare yourself to others until you’re red in the face, but then you pick up your phone and start browsing Instagram or Facebook, or you get a text from a friend about a new development in his or her life, and BAM, the comparison vortex sucks you back in. And that’s ok. It happens to everyone. The nature of the world we live in is one where we’re all inadvertent voyeurs to other people’s life stories… just trying to keep up and appear as happy as everyone else does (at least on social media.)

But that’s not sustainable. Life doesn’t work in perfect phases and timelines. So you do the best you can, you go where life takes you, and you figure things out at your own pace. Again – easier said than done. But there is some beauty in letting go of the picture in your head. Maybe some parts of the picture will be as I imagined, and maybe other parts will look totally different. Or maybe all of it will be different! I really have no idea. I do not know what’s going to happen – where I’ll be in a year or two or five or ten. But the good thing about that is that I’m also learning to embrace the unknown. I’m seeing the picture in my head as now more of a blank canvas, and I can color and fill it a million different ways. And that is kind of awesome, isn’t it? Because when ducks aren’t available to put in a row, you find that maybe you liked penguins better, anyway. Free range penguins that don’t need to be in a row to be happy.

So I guess what I’m saying is… find your penguins. Or your ducks. And put them in a row. Or don’t. But don’t compare them to other people’s penguins or ducks, because your penguins are your penguins and no one else’s. And as long as your penguins make you happy, whether you ever get them in a row or just let them wander around forever… you’re doin’ a-OK in my book.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tend to my wandering penguins.